A Story written a couple years ago. While I was dealing w/my daughter's passing & never sleeping. Started trying to write a story. Came out as a Lost Love Story
~Love is Pain..........
Many thoughts going through my mind. Racing and never coming to a HAULT. Even though I wish they would. I want to scream from the inside out. Tears flow like rivers. Never seeming like there going to stop. I feel this enormous pain in my chest and I just want to rip it out. Never really understanding what causes this pain. So many thoughts. .... So many people I think about at once. Then I concentrate on just one person...... Just one consumes my every thought. In everything I do. I try to think of the future as bleak as it may be. I think maybe one day. We will live together.. free... happy... But then I realize once this person is gone.. Out of my life. I will have to keep treading. Because I know there life will not stop as they leave and move on. There thoughts may not be far from mine or myself far from theres. But still... We will no longer be together. Going our separate ways on two very different roads. I want so much for our roads to come together and stay that way. Instead of always crossing each other for just long enough to cause mounds of pain and heart break. The pain is so unbearable at times. That when in there presence I want to scream and cry. Always fearing that they will see the pain in my eyes. The tears that well up when I have to say good~bye. Never have I once fathomed the love I could feel for one person. How my heart could chose one living being to be the one I love until my last living breath expends from my body. The turmoil I feel when I think that soon.. very soon... I will have to let go of this being. To set them free and turn away. To never look back. And knowing this causes such miserable heart ache in myself. That just the thought of having to do this makes me want to rip out my own soul so it can escape the pain I feel. So it can be free to not have to endure all the chaos that runs so violently through me.
The things that love can do to a person. How high it can take you. To how low... so low that you enter into the depths of hell. Because once without this love in your life. You enter into a hell all on your own. The cringing pain, the violent out burst of tears that burn your face as they flow so uncontrollably from red stricken sleepless eyes. Your heart on fire and pounding so violently that you fear it will pound right out of your chest and stop beating. Then you think how wonderful that would be.... To have the pain stop... To escape the turmoil your in. How gratifying it would be. To just end it all. So you would no longer have to live in constant wretchedness.
As much as I love this being unconditionally and irrevocably. The constant knowledge of knowing soon I will be losing them. Causes such agony that fear overwhelms me at times. I try beyond without much success to pull away from them. To try to tell myself they do not feel the same as I. Or that I do not deserve to be loved by such an amazing being. That they are beyond comparison to me. I am merely a weak individual that does not deserve to be loved so genuinely by this being. That they are beyond measure compared to me. I am not worthy of them or to even be in there presence. I try so hard to convince myself of this. But in the end losing. Losing to the screams of my heart, the agony of my soul. All calling out to this being that my entire body cripples when not in there presence. How can I not love them?? How can I not wait til the end of my dying days to be with them?? When it is my heart and soul that hold on so impenetrable that I can not break free from all the feelings within me. From the day I met them to now... right now... I know I will always love them and only them. That my heart is there's for the taking and I can not fight any longer. I can not hold back and ignore the pain I feel when away from them. I am no longer strong enough to not love them. Because no matter how hard I try to tell myself that they will be leaving me soon and that I will have to let go. I can not just give up the hope that one day I will be with them. It is hope that holds me at a stand still waiting for them. Waiting.... Yearning...... for them to be with me. So no matter how long I have to endure in a stand still in martyrdom. I will. Because no matter how hard I try to fight the way I feel causes just as much suffering as just falling and letting it over come me.
Love is a wretched... wretched thing.......... But for Love I will Endure all the Misery I can take.
~And as She Died....
.....She sat in the corner of the room and drank her sorrows away. Hoping that all memory of him would vanish. Hope soon diminished. His memory came back full swing. Stronger then before. Voices screaming... yelling inside her mind. Wanting the agony to just subside. No matter how much she drank, how long she ran. He was still always there by her side.
Sitting in the dark............ Screaming on the inside....... Crying on the outside. No amount of liquor helped her at all. The music blaring in her ears didn't seem to help. As angry and dark as she started to become. His love held fast. Tighter and tighter to her heart. Never letting go.......... She cringed in pain. cluching to her chest. The agony that ran through her vains, her heart, her memory. In the small dark room she could feel him there. Wanting to scream and tell him to just go away. But knowing deep down inside that; that was the last thing she wanted. She reached out wanting to feel him. Crawling... yearning... as soon as she seemed to grasp his hand ..he vanished...... Her eyes burning red. The pain took over and she fell to the floor crying. So close he was and still never close enough to hold. How could she keep going on day in and day out like this. His love had a stronger hold on her then anything else in this universe. She could not fight what she felt. She held tight to the strength of her soul. But knowing in the end that only he.. her love could save her from this agony killing her. Bringing her to her death. Only Love could save her now.
His love is all she wanted. To be with him. To be safe. To find happiness with him. The love of her life. Her dream come true. But knowing he was gone killed her inside. Every day putting a smile on her face all the while screaming on the inside. Fighting tears as those around her asked..*Are you okay?*.. *Yes*.. She would say. But knowing deep down the answer was always *NO!*. The pain.. the agony.. the heart breaking death grip on her heart was slowly killing all the strength she had. Soon death would become her. No longer a mortal. Soon all of what existed of her. Would soon become immortal. Amongst the living but she would be one of the walking dead. Because his Love is all she lived for anymore. It was he who kept her breathing. With his departure she died. No longer living in this world. Her soul took off and she died.
~The End~
~Days Later..............
So after many days in a haze. She woke up amongst the living. Not believing she was still alive. She looked in the mirror not recognizing herself. "Who is that?" She wondered. Taking her a few mintues to realize it was herself looking back at her. How she had changed. No longer full of life. Nothing but despair was left in her eyes. She saw no life left in herself. So full of life so many days ago and now....... nothing..... Waking up with no feelings, no hope. Like all has been lost. The only thoughts swirling around in her mind were of him. Wondering every possible thing about him. Missing him. Then remembering what happened.
She was lost. He was gone and there was nothing left of her heart and her soul for that matter. She now remembered what happened just a few days ago. She had died. All the pain had encaptured her and combusted. All that was left was this empty body with no soul or heart beating. But her mind still craving everything of him. Like the thirst of a Vampire. Her thirst was of him. He was all she wanted and craved. Without him she was nothing. And now that nothing was starring back at her. Falling to her knees and crying... screaming... Not believing all the pain was still there.
How?
Why?
Nothing was left of her and still she felt agonizing grief for her lost Love. Realizing that must be it. She was doomed to live amongst the living tortured by the malady of his Love... her love for him. With a life not with him. She no longer exsisted. She was now apart of the living dead.
Immortal.
No soul.
No heart beat.
Nothing left but agonizing misery left within her to suffer for all eternity. Without her Love she was.......... nothing........
The End
~Month's Later
Month's after his departure she went through a world wind of pain and grief. So many emotions. Always wanting to try to let go and move on. But as many times as she tried she seemed to never really fully succeed. Always in the back of her mind he was there. Always just a phone call..... a message... away. Month's later and her heart still screams for him. Every day she fights it. She knows they can't be together. That it is over. He left.. he's gone. There's nothing left to hold on to. So many month's of trying to tell herself that things will get better. That they are both better off. And in the end knowing she's lying to herself. All the words she has spoken to him. Letting him go.. telling him to just keep moving on. She knows she'll never take back. She knows he must go on with his life and find happiness. Even if her own words rip through her like a knife. She knows this is best.
She still finds herself waking in the middle of the night crying. Reaching for the phone to call him. Then stopping.... She knows she can not keep reaching out for him. It is not fair to eirther of them. To keep holding on to something that may or may not be there. They know they love each other. It's been an undying love for so many years. That maybe now it has reach its destination and can no longer take all the dispair.
They say love conquor's all. But does it really???
When two people are living two completely differant lives. Can they really hold onto their love for one another??
But what if there love reads out just like an old Renaissance Novel? And that no matter what the couple go through in the end they find each other? And love never dies? They find there love stronger then the day they met. Should they fight??
She doesn't know. She's so confused any more that the pain and heart ache keep telling her that he is better off and as is she. Even though she doesn't feel this is how life should be. Hurting, crying, misery..... Why should she have to feel such turmoil?
Decisions have been made and maybe they should be stuck with. You can't keep going back and forth. It eirther is or isn't. Love is not a game and hearts arn't ment to be crushed on a daily basis. So it is the end of her destination. She loves him... She misses him... But she must let go of him.
Before there really is nothing left of her. She knows that some day the tears will stop. The pain will fade away. She will find happiness again. Even if that happiness only lies within her children's faces. She will take what she can get. Her love for him has taken over. No matter how hard she tries to love another. She'll never once love the same again. She knows her heart is still with him. Her soul soar's near him. Always waiting.... reaching out... never letting go. Her words she may have spoken but her actions scream don't leave. Everyday she's still fighting the urge to reach out.... say I Love You... Why did you have to leave.....?
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
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