Letters to God.....

I've been trying for a couple days to get on the computer & blog. But have not had time until today. Thanks to my daughter who thought she had to wake up at 5am & play..lol Least to say binkie in the mouth & her baby monkey & out she went while momma was wide awake & watching Cold Case.


So I just wanted to tell people about a movie that I watch Wednesday called Letters to God. It was very Inspirational, Heart & Soul touching. I had no idea what the movie was about until shortly after I started watching it. It's a true story about a little boy named Tyler who writes letters to God (its his way of praying). After awhile people start reading these letters & they are very touching & eye opening. I don't want to give the movie away but I can say Tyler helped so many people & even started a campaign or well his family & friends started it for him called Letters to God. He had cancer. Its a sad & uplifting movie. I cried allot during it. After the movie was over I realized that even though it is a story about a little boy with Cancer it can open up many peoples eyes & possibly help them find a little faith or find faith again. I do think that anyone who has lost someone they love or have lost anyone should watch it. Letters to God is an amazing movie.

I think seeing this movie at this time in my life was a great thing. Since last year I've been trying to find a way back to some kind of Faith. I can't really say my religion because I do not practice just one. I am open to all. In other words I believe in all paths to God, Gods, or there of. I do believe there is someone up there looking out for us. That I have to because of my daughter Zenzi. My life has changed dramatically since I because pregnant with her to the day she was taken back home. I've always said she saved me from myself. If not for her I have no idea where I would be in my life right now. And I can honestly say I don't know if it would be a good place. I do believe now she was my saving grace & I was lucky to have her for as long as I did. I also believe that she passed away when she did was because she had to go back home in order to save the two baby lives she did save. One Heart Two Lives. Her heart valves were able to be donated. It wasn't easy to okay her being a donor but they were going to do an autopsy any way to find the cause of death so having her be a donor was the best choice.
After she passed I went into a coma sort to speak. I was alive & my body was walking, moving, doing things. But my mind was else where for a very long time. After the first year I slowly woke up, not really knowing what was going on or what I was doing. As the second year rounded I like to say I became Fully Awake. My eyes were open, my heart, my soul, & my mind was awake. I had finally started to feel like a human being again. Now for those who don't know Zenzi has only been gone for a little over 2 years. So all of this change has slowly been happening. Now I have had another daughter during this time & yes she is living. My Bellazay is 7 & 1/2 mos old right now. I enjoyed my whole pregnancy with her & her arrival into this world. But until she was 5mos old I was living in fear that she would be taken to. (Zenzi was 4mos & a day & half old when she passed away) So the past couple months I have made allot of changes. Some of the changes started earlier this year. The trying to not stress over things that I have no control over, like bills, jobs, most of life really. And all in general I try to not stress at all. There's no point in it. Not that I don't worry from time to time but more about the future. More for my children's education & having the money to make sure they are able to go to what ever school they choose, having a happy home & just the future in general. I think this is normal human behavior. We always worry about the future. Its what makes us human.
Recently I made even more changes. Taking me all night to contemplate about everything in my life. Friends, family, & everyone in it in general. Realizing there are some people, including family, that do not need to be in my life. Yes family is family & they never truly go away but you can avoid them & just not think about them. Which is what I do. I don't want my children around some of these people because they are very toxic. Only causing pain & feelings my children do not need to go through. They deserve to be happy at all cost. Now friends on the other hand do come and go. You have ones you've known forever & other a few years, months, weeks, & days. I have grown apart from many friends & that is because we have all changed. Growning up, having children. Some still party, that is not me at all anymore, some have just begun new chapters in there lives, & other are still so unhappy with there lives that there negativity was bringing me down & making me this person I did not want to be. I realized when I don't talk or see them I am a pretty happy person. I enjoy my life as a stay at home mom. I get to spend my days with my children, reading, playing, cooking, cleaning, & spending time w/my husband when he is not at work or in school. My life in general is good. Yes like anyone else I have good days & bad days. More or less my bad days are more about missing my daughter or my grandma who I was very close to when I was a child. She passed away when I was 9 & I have never been the same since. Her death destroyed me. I never remembered this but my mom told me that I even went blind in one eye. I guess they call it hysteria blindness. I was consumed with such grief that I literally went blind. Crazy I know. It still shocks me to this day.
Well anyways since finally Waking up & realizing my life & the people around me. I knew that the only way to be happy again was to start making some changes. I've just let go of some people and made stronger bonds with others. The ones I chose to let go of wasn't out of anger, hatred( Don't like that word. I've never hated anyone in my life) or any ill feelings towards them. It was more of a realization that the friendships weren't going any where any more. That they have hit a concrete wall & had splatter all over it. When you have spent the past couple years fighting with people for no Real reasons & nothing ever gets fixed & talked about. Then eventually its time to just let go of them. Doesn't mean you don't wish them the best & hope that they find happiness in life some day. Just means you have changed & are growing into a better person then what you once were. And no people I'm not saying I'm better then them people I have disconnected myself from. I am saying I've grown in a different way into my life then what they have in there's. In other words they are in one place in there lives & I am in another.

I do believe change is good. So far the changes I have made lately (some being very drastic) are for the better. I'm happier, my health has incredibly changed. For the past month or actually a lil longer I don't get sick anymore, & now my hair isn't falling out in clumps. The past couple years every time I would take a shower or comb my hair more then normal would come or fall out. And now as of this week it stopped. Just stopped. Everyone around me kept saying it was because of my pregnancies, eating habits, & other things. Okay fine. I eat healthy, exercise when I can, take my vitamins so okay hair still falling out?? And now its not. After changes made this week it stopped falling out. I still couldn't believe it. I thought for sure when I comb my hair it would be falling out. But no. Just normal few strands. This was my sign that the decisions I am making in my life are good ones.

I know there will be good days & bad days. You just can't be happy all the time. But I do know now that on them bad days (And even good) I must look to something or someone higher then me. I need to find faith again & I need to be.....well me again. The person I once was 4-5yrs ago was a very dark, depressed, angry soul. And it is not like I didn't have reason to be. Beatings, Rapes, Emotional/Mental, Physical, Sexual, & Verbal abuse & isolation caused by many ex boyfriends & even friends ex boyfriends had done years of damage. So I turned to alcohol thinking it could drown my pain. When in fact it only made things worse I was lucky to have a man that stood my me through some of these dark days. My even darker days were before I even knew my husband & I was only 13/14 years old and drinking the pain away. For most of HS I worked & just concentrated on my education & just trying to get the heck out of high school. That place is so over rated..lol But now after all I've endured I'm still here & I'm still standing. There's a reason I'm not dead & gone & I need to make the best of the life I have now. No one knows when there life may end. So you really should live your days like its your last day on earth. There's so many reasons for change. I realize that if people around you are judging you from your past then theres no room for them in your future. They only prove to you that they don't care & that they don't want to see you happy. So they keep finding ways to bring you down. You have to find the strength in not letting that happen and better your life. Find happiness and hold onto it. It is YOUR LIFE and no one is living it for you. So live, be happy, find faith if that's what you need, & if you have faith awesome. I look up to my cousin who does have faith. I can only hope that someday my faith will one day be as strong as hers. For if not for her faith she wouldn't be where she's at in her life right now and wouldn't be the woman she is.
I am grateful for the people that are in my life today. I am surrounded my amazing, wonderful, and supportive people. I am finally in a good place in my life thanks to waking up and making some much needed changes. My Saving Grace is looking out for me and helping me on my path in life.

~Sparrow~

Another big change for the better

Wow it's been a couple weeks since I've blog. Haven't had much insomnia in awhile which has been very nice. Sept of course the other night I couldn't sleep at all & yet again last night I had trouble sleeping until I had finally made up my mind & decided what must be done.

Change....... More change for the better, my well being, & for my sanity. Sometimes you reach a point in your life when you know you must let go & move on from certain people. If you don't then they keep bringing you down. I thought that the last stint was finally the last straw & I was happy they were gone until they found a way back into my life. Now yet again a few weeks later they only prove to me how childish they are and how abusive they are to me. I've become there emotional, mental, & verbal punching bag. They are always attacking me, putting me down, & making me feel like shit. So last night I asked myself why am I still friends with them???? *Light bulb* Because I have this insatiable need to always be there for them, to hold them up, & support them in all there decisions because no one ever does. Then it occurred to me..... Why am I trying to be there & help someone that doesn't appreciate anything I do for them? Yet again I don't know. So with a heavy heart I made my decision to just let them go. I won't write to them, text them, or even call them to explain why our friendship must end. Truthfully I know they won't care but I do know when the day is dark & no one is listening to them; they will wish they could talk to me, to help them & be there for them. And I won't be there. I've had it with there abusiveness & I am moving on with my life.

My life is actually pretty great. I spend all my time with my children & my husband when he's not at work or school. My days are always busy & I seldom get time to myself. But I'm okay with that because all my time & energy goes into playing, reading, & taking care of my kids & being there for my hubby. I've realized that I am always so busy with them that I don't make time for friends. But some of my friends understand this & do not hold it against me. But of course those friends that understand are parents themselves & no what life is like when you have children & a man on top of that. The so-called friends that don't understand this obviously don't have children or they apparently don't spend much time with there children. Because involved parents know what it is like to lose track of time when it's spent with your children & family. So yes my days are busy & soon will be even busier once my son starts school next week. Can't believe he's going to be in 2nd grade. He's growing up so fast *sad face*

Well it's time to start on them changes. Not easy but they must be done if I want to be happy in life. So off I go to better my life. Hope everyone out there is having a great day & good week. Don't know how often I'll blog but I will try to blog often.

~Sparrow~