Can't sleep....

Well I did start tonight out actually going to bed. But my daughter decided other wise for me. I was going to start blogging earlier cuz I've decide I'm just gonna put myself out there. Just start writing what's on my mind, post poems that no one knows about, & just write about my days, thoughts, & feelings. People judge you regardless of what you do. So fuck it. I'm just going to fully put myself out there. I pretty much do already when it comes to certain people. But here to the world I'm just gonna let myself free. Freedom is what I need. Somewhere were I can just let it all out. Like my friend Riss said "People are going to think what they want of you & you can't change there minds or do anything about it. They have there opinions so hey what ever:)" I agree.

Names will be changed to protect the identities of people in my life & only the people closes to me will probably know who I am talking about.

Well right now I'm not feeling so hot. Took an Aleve -D & I think it went down wrong because now I'm having sever chest & upper back pain. I don't know. The pain subsided some when I was rocking & singing my daughter to sleep. But it keeps hurting. But almost every night this week I have had chest pain & pressure on my chest. I've been sick for months. Basically since two months after having my daughter. It started out just allot of stomach pain & getting sick every couple days. Made it very hard to eat & keep food in my system. By the time I went to the doctor the stomach pains stopped & stayed at bay for about three weeks then they came back. And now I have more then stomach pain & getting sick. When I eat my stomach actually caves in while I'm eating, I get dizzy, lightheadedness, blurred vision, rapid weight lose, chest pains &/or pressure on my chest, & of course insomnia. I haven't gone to see the doctor about this & really haven't talked to anyone about it. I finally wrote down all my symptoms today. I did try to talk to Tacoma today about it. But he wasn't listening to me. To busy looking at things on his phone on eBay. So I didn't say anything else. It's aggravating because he wants me to go to the doctors. Well I need someone to talk to about what's going on. I'm not the type of person to hurry up & call the doc 1st sign of sickness. I'm more the type to self treat & when things are beyond bad then I call the doc. So since no one wants to at least talk to me about things & maybe help me try to figure out what is wrong. Then I'm not gonna rush to call the doc. Maybe when I start bleeding out of place where I shouldn't be. Then maybe I'll call the doc. But until then..... I'm just going to keep living like I am.

I did try & Google all my symptoms & basically all I seemed to come up with was gallbladder, kidney, or possibly being poisoned. Well the poisoning can't happen without making my whole family sick. I make all the food & everything else I snack on & drink is prepackaged. So it can't be that. But the other two. Well they could be options. But who knows. I'm just going to wait and see. I hate going to the doctors. And even worse I hate the bill afterwards. The way things are now the bill may be incredibly outrageous. And I have INS but nope nope; no thanks. I'm good enough with the bills I have.

So okay that was pretty much part of my day. The rest was taking care of my kids, going to the store, cooking, & some cleaning. For the past two & a-half years I have been a stay at home mom. I am no basic stay at home mother either. I love rock, black, dark and incredibly strange, outrageous, scary, damn near dark death Art. I love writing, reading, & photography. I'm crazy, unique, & I raise my children nontraditionally. No we don't go to church. But I do raise them catholic & about God. But once they are a certain age & decide they want to know about other religions or have another one. Then I am completely open to it. As I like to say "I believe in all paths to God." if there even is one. I've been to hell and back literally in my short life. Some day when I am ready I may tell all. But I can say this much... I am a rape survivor, miscarriage survivor(I've had 10), lost a daughter to SIDS(she was only 4mos old), I've been Physically, emotionally, mentally, & sexually abused. And after all this HELL I am still here & standing. The best song or well songs that I can relate to are I'm Still Standing by:Monica & Walking Away by:Craig David. I am a fighter. For many; many years I let people hurt me. More so men but also family & people that I thought were my friends but in the end found out they were not. But still I get up, stand tall, & keep walking. Because this is all I can do besides just to give up & lay down & die. But that is not in my nature. So I keep trudging & hoping to find peace & understanding in this cruel, unusual world we live in.

So here I have started to explain who I am & some of what I have been though. Eventually in the end you may actually begin to understand me a little. But we'll see. I really don't think anyone fully understands someone or even fully knows them. But we as a human race come close.

Well it's after 1am & I think I've said enough for now. So good night or morning:) We will communicate again soon:)

~Sparrow~