Well its 3 in the afternoon & I know I'm blogging all early today. I thought I might take some time to update. I kept thinking if I woke up in the middle of the night I would blog. But I Never did. I know I can't believe it either. I think someone or something higher then me was trying to tell me something.
If I would of woken up I was going to blog about what I had found & saw & how much I can't stand two faced people Especially when they are suppose to be family. I mean really. How can you say you Love someone & Care about them & blah blah & then just turn around, talk shit & never include them in anything you do. Tacoma & I decide yesterday that we are officially done with it all. We are the only family each other needs & our children included. & well my parents. They have always been there for us; supported us in everything we do without judgment. We can't understand why his family cannot do the same. We have never done anything to them. But yet they chose to live like we don't exist. So its been decided that we will do the same. I know that's not the way to live. But when those people are only bringing you down & making life worse. Why have them in your life at all? I've let Tocoma make the decision on this one. It does exclude his Grandparents, biological sister, & his mom. All because they are blood. The rest are all step & well they have no concept of the meaning of FAMILY. So to make things easy we are just moving on & letting go.
Well back to my sign that everything is going to be okay=]
Besides the fact that I slept all night I also had a very vivid, eye opening dream. It was so real. It even had back ground music like you would hear in a movie or on TV. So weird. After I got up w/my daughter who of course didn't sleep til 11 like she has been the past two days..lol woke up a bout 9:45am... I got up changed her & fed her & while fixing my son breakfast I started humming & singing & then realized I was singing the song from my dream. OMG I remembered!! So I hurried up & YouTubed it on my iphone & looked up the lyrics. It was an old song..lol To realize this is a sign that everything is going to be okay. And the choices Tocoma & I are making for our family are good ones & to pursue them whole heartily & with an open mind. To embrace all good & bad that comes along and to just strive for better. So the planning begins =] YAY! To move out of Ks. Some people know about our plans & many seems to think its only because we want to get away from the drama filled careless people, but that is on the very bottom of our list as to why we are moving. The main reason's are to better our lives & the lives of our children. To live some where with a warm, nice winter..lol Hey if you have ever lived in or been to Ks during winter time then yeah you'd want to get away from it to. Ks winter's are beyond unpredictable. Plus all our babies are winter babies & it would be nice for them to be able to have an outside birthday some day.
I just feel so freed & at ease. I'm actually happy. And I mean really happy. Those who know me knows that I am not the happy go lucky person I once was. But I've been reading allot & trying to open my mind up more. Trying to find that person I once was before I lost the closest people to me. That being my Grandpa & Grandma Donnelly & my #1 daughter Angel. The hard part about moving is knowing we are leaving Angel behind. But then again that is just her Earth shell that is here in Ks. Her Spirit is always with us. And this I know. I know that Jo was right & that Angel would come back to me. I see her every day in her sister's eye's and I know she's near when Bellazay looks up or starts talking to her big sister. So I know that no matter where we may go. She will always be with us.
Here are the Lyrics to the song
Don Henley The End Of The Innocence Lyrics
Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standin' by
But "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass waves in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And wash away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass waves in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say goodbye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Very good song.
I'm happy and no one will be able to take this from me. I have realized good-byes are said for a reason. To grow, lean, & to move on. Some good-byes we are forced to say when God takes others back home with him. And some happen when you least expect it. But always remember that one friend lost you gain another. This I realized yesterday. Those who I never talk to or well seldom do. Decided to pop back into my life for just a short time. I made sure to let them know that we plan to leave next year but that we should all get together before that happens. So hopefully I see them before then, but if I don't that is okay to. I'm happy with the way life is going. Everything happens for a reason. And of course Good-byes to so-called family members are a much needed Good-bye to help us move on & be happy in life. Very Toxic people. I hope one day they realize the real meaning of Family, but if they don't then I will never be surprised.
Life is Good.
And I am grateful for everyone in my life & for everything I have. Everything is falling into place. The Good and the Bad.
~Sparrow~
~A Glimps into my Head~
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Early Morning Thoughts
5:44am as I type. Been up since some time after 3am. Wasn't really paying attention to the time. Woke up to tinkle & thought I'd go right back to sleep. But of course I didn't. But I'm not as tired as I usually am. So it's a plus.
I didn't really say all my thoughts in the last blog because Tacoma wouldn't shut up lol. Trying to type your thoughts is hard when you have someone bugging you while your doing so. I wanted to mention a little about the movie. I read Eclipse last year so I actually couldn't remember some things. But at the end of the movie Bella is telling Edward that she's always felt she don't belong; that she knows she's different from everyone else. As she spoke these words all I could think is how much I relate to her in so many ways. She never really had a close friend, always lived in her own world sort to speak, & she has caring parents & her loves. Yes I know I'm relating to a fictional character. But all my life I've had friends but never to close to anyone. And now as an adult the closets people to me are my parents & loves. Don't really have a "close" friend. And in all truths I've always liked it this way.
It is nice to be able to have that one person you can talk to. Your chick friend. But really I've never quite got along w/chicks. Guys have always been my closest friends. And I've preferred it this way. So I failed to completely blog last night my thoughts because of interruptions lol.
I just like the Twilight series. I can relate so well to the story. But still I think the series should of ended with Bella being with Jacob. It makes so much more sense. Her turning into a vampire & never seeing her parents again just isn't right. So I don't know. It would be awesome if Stephanie Myers wrote another book with a different ending. Like what would of happened if Bella chose Jacob. It would be interesting :).
Good movie though. I can't complain. The affects in the movie were really bad ass. Seeing Victoria killed by Edward was awesome. It basically looked like he beheaded a porcelain doll. The fight scene was awesome & of course the intensity between Bella, Jacob, & Edward were all so much more real & like the books. Finally by the 3rd movie there capturing the love triangle. I'm really hoping Breaking Dawn is awesome & better then Eclipse. It should be. There's allot they will have to portray & make real. So it will all be interesting to see.
Well just wanted to write my thoughts. Totally didn't get to last night because Tacoma made me forget what I was trying to write. Well it's now 6:14am & I'm going to see if I can get another hr of sleep in. So good day to my readers & I hope everyone has a splendid day :) I know I will. Okay well I hope to :D
~Sparrow~
I didn't really say all my thoughts in the last blog because Tacoma wouldn't shut up lol. Trying to type your thoughts is hard when you have someone bugging you while your doing so. I wanted to mention a little about the movie. I read Eclipse last year so I actually couldn't remember some things. But at the end of the movie Bella is telling Edward that she's always felt she don't belong; that she knows she's different from everyone else. As she spoke these words all I could think is how much I relate to her in so many ways. She never really had a close friend, always lived in her own world sort to speak, & she has caring parents & her loves. Yes I know I'm relating to a fictional character. But all my life I've had friends but never to close to anyone. And now as an adult the closets people to me are my parents & loves. Don't really have a "close" friend. And in all truths I've always liked it this way.
It is nice to be able to have that one person you can talk to. Your chick friend. But really I've never quite got along w/chicks. Guys have always been my closest friends. And I've preferred it this way. So I failed to completely blog last night my thoughts because of interruptions lol.
I just like the Twilight series. I can relate so well to the story. But still I think the series should of ended with Bella being with Jacob. It makes so much more sense. Her turning into a vampire & never seeing her parents again just isn't right. So I don't know. It would be awesome if Stephanie Myers wrote another book with a different ending. Like what would of happened if Bella chose Jacob. It would be interesting :).
Good movie though. I can't complain. The affects in the movie were really bad ass. Seeing Victoria killed by Edward was awesome. It basically looked like he beheaded a porcelain doll. The fight scene was awesome & of course the intensity between Bella, Jacob, & Edward were all so much more real & like the books. Finally by the 3rd movie there capturing the love triangle. I'm really hoping Breaking Dawn is awesome & better then Eclipse. It should be. There's allot they will have to portray & make real. So it will all be interesting to see.
Well just wanted to write my thoughts. Totally didn't get to last night because Tacoma made me forget what I was trying to write. Well it's now 6:14am & I'm going to see if I can get another hr of sleep in. So good day to my readers & I hope everyone has a splendid day :) I know I will. Okay well I hope to :D
~Sparrow~
Yep Yep...
Well it's the end of my Sunday & well wkend. I had a really good day actually. Started out a lil late yet again lol. Damn insomnia. But hey I slept til 11am & so did Bellazay I couldn't believe it. Even tho it did scare the hell out of me. So I did get up & check on her. And she was fine. Just sleeping away. A lil past 11 she woke up happy as can be. I'm so glad she's all better. She's her bubbly lil self again & shockingly doing so much more. She's scootin around & rolling over & being so much more active. I love it.
Well once her & I woke up we had breakfast, read the paper, & talked to my mom for a lil while. Then off to get ready for the day. Bellazay & Bonez spent the day w/Nana & Papa while mommy & daddy had a date day lol. We went to the movies & saw Eclipse. Surprisingly it was a really good movie. Much better then Twilight & New Moon. So I have a feeling Breaking Dawn is gonna be epic :). Now I know why there's a book about Bree Tanner. And of course I'm gonna get it & read it. Sucks she dies. She would of been a good addition to the Cullen's family. But anyways it was a good movie. And they showed sum good previews of movies coming out soon. Defiantly going to go see Step Up 3D. Man it's going to an awesome movie & Eat, Pray, Love is going to be a good movie. There's a movie called Red coming out October 15th & looks really funny & reminded me of my dad & his friends. But yep yep Eclipse was awesome & still if I actually cared & was on a "team" it would be team Jacob. He's funny & was really pushing Edward's nerves. It was great.
It was hot as hell out today. Freaking sucked cuz we had to make a couple stops before going home. And we are still in a heat advisory all week. I just can't believe this heat.
Do not want to leave the house tomorrow but Bellazay has an appointment & I have to mail some stuff. So I'm gonna get up early & go to the post office so I don't have to take the kids out in the heat. Bellazay's appointment isn't til 1 & my mom said she'd watch Bonez so he won't have to get out in this hot ass weather. Thank god. Hopefully her appointment goes fast. It usually does tho:)
Well that was basically my day. Saw something interesting today or well people. It was good to see them back together. Didn't stop & say hi. Should of though because it's been so long since I've talked to them. But I guess I just didn't feel like talking. Was thinking bout getting home to my babies.
Well time to head to bed. I think I'll sleep tonight. Well I'm hoping anyways. Plez insomnia stay at bay tonight I really would like to get some sleep ..... Humm hope that helps lol.
Well night night
~Sparrow~
Well once her & I woke up we had breakfast, read the paper, & talked to my mom for a lil while. Then off to get ready for the day. Bellazay & Bonez spent the day w/Nana & Papa while mommy & daddy had a date day lol. We went to the movies & saw Eclipse. Surprisingly it was a really good movie. Much better then Twilight & New Moon. So I have a feeling Breaking Dawn is gonna be epic :). Now I know why there's a book about Bree Tanner. And of course I'm gonna get it & read it. Sucks she dies. She would of been a good addition to the Cullen's family. But anyways it was a good movie. And they showed sum good previews of movies coming out soon. Defiantly going to go see Step Up 3D. Man it's going to an awesome movie & Eat, Pray, Love is going to be a good movie. There's a movie called Red coming out October 15th & looks really funny & reminded me of my dad & his friends. But yep yep Eclipse was awesome & still if I actually cared & was on a "team" it would be team Jacob. He's funny & was really pushing Edward's nerves. It was great.
It was hot as hell out today. Freaking sucked cuz we had to make a couple stops before going home. And we are still in a heat advisory all week. I just can't believe this heat.
Do not want to leave the house tomorrow but Bellazay has an appointment & I have to mail some stuff. So I'm gonna get up early & go to the post office so I don't have to take the kids out in the heat. Bellazay's appointment isn't til 1 & my mom said she'd watch Bonez so he won't have to get out in this hot ass weather. Thank god. Hopefully her appointment goes fast. It usually does tho:)
Well that was basically my day. Saw something interesting today or well people. It was good to see them back together. Didn't stop & say hi. Should of though because it's been so long since I've talked to them. But I guess I just didn't feel like talking. Was thinking bout getting home to my babies.
Well time to head to bed. I think I'll sleep tonight. Well I'm hoping anyways. Plez insomnia stay at bay tonight I really would like to get some sleep ..... Humm hope that helps lol.
Well night night
~Sparrow~
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Man wat a day....
Well of course I was up all flippin night & a lil after 7am I passed out. So wasn't happy bout that. Especially when I woke up at 8am & wasn't even fully awake so back out I went. Woke up at 9am & forced myself out of bed at 9:30. Needed to start my day & take a shower B4 Bellazay woke up.
Never did make it to Babies R Us/Toys R Us & now I guess it's a good thing. Spent time w/my babies. Trying to get Bellazay to roll over on her own. & she did yay lol. She's such a laid back baby that she does her own thing. But her walker should be here next week so she'll love that. Hopefully by the time she's 8mos she'll B walking:). She's already way ahead for her age. She was actually born a mo earlier & considered a preemie. Even tho 6lbs 9oz is big ass preemie. She had surgery when she was only 3wks old. So being on her tummy she couldn't do until she was almost 3mos & by then she hated it. But mommy still makes her. And now she plays, rolls, & scoots. LOL
Well anyway. Spent 2hrs organizing & cleaning Bonez's room. Looks awesome again & he's listening to mommy & picking up after himself. Such a great son I have. I think he's liking having more responsibilities While all doing this Bellazay played in her jumper then ate lunch. Yes momma had to take a break to feed the Princess:) She cracks me up. Eventually she went & sat w/her nana then came back & bounced around in her jumper again lol. While mommy cleaned the house & started laundry. Eventually she took a nap when daddy came home.
Tacoma put the pool up when he came home:). My uncle Lonnie & aunt Colleen gave us a pool. & a big one:). It's a lil smaller then the one we just got that is going in storage until next year. But we're not complaining. It's a pool & it's been hot as hell out so heck yeah:)
Well now it's 11:27pm. I wasn't feeling so great this evening. Totally over ate. So I slept & finally got rid of my tummy ache. Guess I was to blunt earlier today & upset certain people. Which was not my intentions. B could of said hey that was way mean or hey that hurt my feelings. I could of reread what we were IMing back & forth & realized that what I had said didn't come out right. Which it didn't. But after 6yrs she should know me better & know exactly what I ment. But honestly I think she's been looking (yet again) for a reason to not talk to me or be friends. If that's what she would like all she has to do is say that & not go looking for a fight.
But instead she blocks me from everything & says nothing. I text her & said something. She then let me know why. I guess I upset & hurt her boyfriend's feelings & that I did feel really bad about. I guess I hurt hers to & this she didn't tell me & I feel bad about that also. I wasn't trying to hurt either of them. Her BF doesn't know me very well so of course he's not going to understand anything but still it's bad if you cause pain to someone you barely talk to. He did say something to me on my Business FB which I was not happy about. He could of wrote me. Not put such disrespecting words on a Business site. That is immature & looking for drama. I will not do the drama bit. But I know him well enough that I could tell I really upset him. So I did write him back in a message & explained to him what I ment. I also told him if he doesn't want to talk to me at all that I do understand.
He hasn't written back yet & may or may not & that's okay. He's busy right now doing some guy stuff so I don't expect him to jump on FB to see what I said. I just told B to tell him that I did write back & I left it at that. She had a very long day & was trying to rest.
I'm not upset about any of this. If we all stop talking to each other then we do. Really I think that is what she wants. So that's okay with me. I don't think she has realized I am not the same person I was over a year ago. I don't know how many times I've told her that I will not fight with her. If something is bothering her then she needs to just say it. In all honesty I don't always realize what I have said. & if I do at that time then of course I will apologize right away & if I don't & someone says something then yes I will apologize. I am an adult & have no problem what so ever in admitting I was wrong. You know when you have grown when you can admit to your faults & wrong doings.
But like I've said before I am a very honest; blunt person. I usually always say what's on my mind. I have only one other friend that is exactly like me. So I guess being the way I am doesn't bother me. But of course because I speak my mind people like to say I'm "judging" them. How is it judging when I'm saying exactly what you just told me? I don't think allot of people realize what they tell me & then when I repeat something they have said themselves they get all shocked & like OMG I can't believe she said that. Really?!?! My memory is getting better on conversations I have with people. & this isn't all directed towards B. I'm talking about allot of people in general. B knows me so really she shouldn't be shocked by something I have said or say. But I wish she'd be more honest with me. She knows I won't go off on her. I'll stop & think about what she is saying & may agree or not agree with her. We've always been able to be straight out honest with each other & now I'm wondering when the hell all that when flying out the window. IDK but I do have to respect her decisions. Even if I don't always agree. So friendship ends it ends. Life still goes on. It doesn't stop & I learned that years ago.
I'll be happy when I leave this place & start new in a different state or town :) My hubby & babies YAY :D & well a cat & dog eventually lol.
Wow it's after midnight. I should head to bed. It was a very productive day. Didn't end to great. But oh well. Movies & time w/just my hubby tomorrow YAY :) Way over due.
Good night to my readers.
~Sparrow~
Never did make it to Babies R Us/Toys R Us & now I guess it's a good thing. Spent time w/my babies. Trying to get Bellazay to roll over on her own. & she did yay lol. She's such a laid back baby that she does her own thing. But her walker should be here next week so she'll love that. Hopefully by the time she's 8mos she'll B walking:). She's already way ahead for her age. She was actually born a mo earlier & considered a preemie. Even tho 6lbs 9oz is big ass preemie. She had surgery when she was only 3wks old. So being on her tummy she couldn't do until she was almost 3mos & by then she hated it. But mommy still makes her. And now she plays, rolls, & scoots. LOL
Well anyway. Spent 2hrs organizing & cleaning Bonez's room. Looks awesome again & he's listening to mommy & picking up after himself. Such a great son I have. I think he's liking having more responsibilities While all doing this Bellazay played in her jumper then ate lunch. Yes momma had to take a break to feed the Princess:) She cracks me up. Eventually she went & sat w/her nana then came back & bounced around in her jumper again lol. While mommy cleaned the house & started laundry. Eventually she took a nap when daddy came home.
Tacoma put the pool up when he came home:). My uncle Lonnie & aunt Colleen gave us a pool. & a big one:). It's a lil smaller then the one we just got that is going in storage until next year. But we're not complaining. It's a pool & it's been hot as hell out so heck yeah:)
Well now it's 11:27pm. I wasn't feeling so great this evening. Totally over ate. So I slept & finally got rid of my tummy ache. Guess I was to blunt earlier today & upset certain people. Which was not my intentions. B could of said hey that was way mean or hey that hurt my feelings. I could of reread what we were IMing back & forth & realized that what I had said didn't come out right. Which it didn't. But after 6yrs she should know me better & know exactly what I ment. But honestly I think she's been looking (yet again) for a reason to not talk to me or be friends. If that's what she would like all she has to do is say that & not go looking for a fight.
But instead she blocks me from everything & says nothing. I text her & said something. She then let me know why. I guess I upset & hurt her boyfriend's feelings & that I did feel really bad about. I guess I hurt hers to & this she didn't tell me & I feel bad about that also. I wasn't trying to hurt either of them. Her BF doesn't know me very well so of course he's not going to understand anything but still it's bad if you cause pain to someone you barely talk to. He did say something to me on my Business FB which I was not happy about. He could of wrote me. Not put such disrespecting words on a Business site. That is immature & looking for drama. I will not do the drama bit. But I know him well enough that I could tell I really upset him. So I did write him back in a message & explained to him what I ment. I also told him if he doesn't want to talk to me at all that I do understand.
He hasn't written back yet & may or may not & that's okay. He's busy right now doing some guy stuff so I don't expect him to jump on FB to see what I said. I just told B to tell him that I did write back & I left it at that. She had a very long day & was trying to rest.
I'm not upset about any of this. If we all stop talking to each other then we do. Really I think that is what she wants. So that's okay with me. I don't think she has realized I am not the same person I was over a year ago. I don't know how many times I've told her that I will not fight with her. If something is bothering her then she needs to just say it. In all honesty I don't always realize what I have said. & if I do at that time then of course I will apologize right away & if I don't & someone says something then yes I will apologize. I am an adult & have no problem what so ever in admitting I was wrong. You know when you have grown when you can admit to your faults & wrong doings.
But like I've said before I am a very honest; blunt person. I usually always say what's on my mind. I have only one other friend that is exactly like me. So I guess being the way I am doesn't bother me. But of course because I speak my mind people like to say I'm "judging" them. How is it judging when I'm saying exactly what you just told me? I don't think allot of people realize what they tell me & then when I repeat something they have said themselves they get all shocked & like OMG I can't believe she said that. Really?!?! My memory is getting better on conversations I have with people. & this isn't all directed towards B. I'm talking about allot of people in general. B knows me so really she shouldn't be shocked by something I have said or say. But I wish she'd be more honest with me. She knows I won't go off on her. I'll stop & think about what she is saying & may agree or not agree with her. We've always been able to be straight out honest with each other & now I'm wondering when the hell all that when flying out the window. IDK but I do have to respect her decisions. Even if I don't always agree. So friendship ends it ends. Life still goes on. It doesn't stop & I learned that years ago.
I'll be happy when I leave this place & start new in a different state or town :) My hubby & babies YAY :D & well a cat & dog eventually lol.
Wow it's after midnight. I should head to bed. It was a very productive day. Didn't end to great. But oh well. Movies & time w/just my hubby tomorrow YAY :) Way over due.
Good night to my readers.
~Sparrow~
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Sleep Deprivation
Another night of no sleep. Went to bed a lil after 10pm tired as hell. Just to wake up at 1am. Seriously?!?! This sucks. I was for sure I'd sleep thru the night because I'm soooo tired. Being out in the heat for only a short time drained me of what little energy I had. So bedtime I was so looking forward to.
But of course. I sleep only 2-3hrs at a time. So for now all I got was 2hrs & I'm pretty sure that's all I'm going to get today. I'll be awake until Tacoma goes off to work then I'll be getting ready for the day. Take my shower & get sum other things done before my daughter wakes up. Then soon my son will wake up to. Bellazay doesn't wake up until after 10am. So if I start my day at 7-7:30am that gives me some time to myself. It's going to be another hot ass day. And I need to go to BabiesRUs/ToysRUs. Hopefully my mom will be able to watch the kids for a lil bit so I can go to the store & not have to take them.
OMG I'm so tired my eyes are burning. There's times when i don't mind the insomnia & then there's nights like this were I hate it & wish it didn't exists. I just want to sleep. But it's like my brain is only willing to shut down for a couple hrs at a time. Heck I remember when all I did was sleep at night. As soon as my head hit the pillow out I went. Now that doesn't happen. You know when your 13-16 & never sleep it's like no big deal. Your a teenager & can run on 2hrs of sleep no biggy. But at 27 my body gets worn out after a couple days. I always think I'm going to crash & damn if I'm wrong. Damn brain says "NOOOOO Wake Your Ass Up!" And of course I wake up damn it.
Oh well. Guess I could really bitch about it or just leave it be. It's just tonight is a night where I really just wanted some sleep. Maybe tomorrow night. Can only hope.
Well it's 2:25am & I think I'll go find something to snack on. If my printer wasn't so loud when it prints I'd print out my tat ideas & start working on them. Tacoma got a book earlier this evening or well yesterday evening w/tats in it. There's some in it that I can actually use to finish up my sleeves. I still only have half a sleeve for my right arm. But basically have my left arm sleeve all thought out & tonight I finally finished in my head how I wanted it to look. Moved the black panther up & changed up the idea of it a lil. Now I'm gonna have it coming off my shoulder, blending into my phrase, & onto the rest of the designs I want. Which actually now leaves room under the phrase for something else. Which of course is blank right now. And OMG in the book Tacoma got I found the tat I want to get to represent my son. It's awesome & completely fits him. It screams Bonez. He'll love it once I show him what mommy is getting for him:))
But now actually; the original idea I had for Bonez's tat I can change up & put it in my left arm sleeve. His tat is going on my right arm. It'll all be amazing once complete. But I want my left arm telling my life story up until the present & then I'll add something that will represent the future. Since I know I won't B 60 years old getting a tat. LOL
Well I'm gonna go for now. Still want a snack & really want to work on my tats but it'll have to wait. Once Tacoma leaves for work then I'll print off all my tat ideas so then I can work on them when I have a chance.
Well laterz
~Sparrow~
But of course. I sleep only 2-3hrs at a time. So for now all I got was 2hrs & I'm pretty sure that's all I'm going to get today. I'll be awake until Tacoma goes off to work then I'll be getting ready for the day. Take my shower & get sum other things done before my daughter wakes up. Then soon my son will wake up to. Bellazay doesn't wake up until after 10am. So if I start my day at 7-7:30am that gives me some time to myself. It's going to be another hot ass day. And I need to go to BabiesRUs/ToysRUs. Hopefully my mom will be able to watch the kids for a lil bit so I can go to the store & not have to take them.
OMG I'm so tired my eyes are burning. There's times when i don't mind the insomnia & then there's nights like this were I hate it & wish it didn't exists. I just want to sleep. But it's like my brain is only willing to shut down for a couple hrs at a time. Heck I remember when all I did was sleep at night. As soon as my head hit the pillow out I went. Now that doesn't happen. You know when your 13-16 & never sleep it's like no big deal. Your a teenager & can run on 2hrs of sleep no biggy. But at 27 my body gets worn out after a couple days. I always think I'm going to crash & damn if I'm wrong. Damn brain says "NOOOOO Wake Your Ass Up!" And of course I wake up damn it.
Oh well. Guess I could really bitch about it or just leave it be. It's just tonight is a night where I really just wanted some sleep. Maybe tomorrow night. Can only hope.
Well it's 2:25am & I think I'll go find something to snack on. If my printer wasn't so loud when it prints I'd print out my tat ideas & start working on them. Tacoma got a book earlier this evening or well yesterday evening w/tats in it. There's some in it that I can actually use to finish up my sleeves. I still only have half a sleeve for my right arm. But basically have my left arm sleeve all thought out & tonight I finally finished in my head how I wanted it to look. Moved the black panther up & changed up the idea of it a lil. Now I'm gonna have it coming off my shoulder, blending into my phrase, & onto the rest of the designs I want. Which actually now leaves room under the phrase for something else. Which of course is blank right now. And OMG in the book Tacoma got I found the tat I want to get to represent my son. It's awesome & completely fits him. It screams Bonez. He'll love it once I show him what mommy is getting for him:))
But now actually; the original idea I had for Bonez's tat I can change up & put it in my left arm sleeve. His tat is going on my right arm. It'll all be amazing once complete. But I want my left arm telling my life story up until the present & then I'll add something that will represent the future. Since I know I won't B 60 years old getting a tat. LOL
Well I'm gonna go for now. Still want a snack & really want to work on my tats but it'll have to wait. Once Tacoma leaves for work then I'll print off all my tat ideas so then I can work on them when I have a chance.
Well laterz
~Sparrow~
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Alone©
Feel so alone.
The pain is seeping through.
The tears are whelming up inside.
Pushing themselves out of my eyes.
Nightmares are starting.
There haunting every night.
All those who have hurt me.
I wake up screaming.
Fighting the demons within me.
Looking for a safe Haven & no where seems to be safe.
I once started to reach out.
Then I stopped.
Went back inside myself.
Back to hiding...... crying......
Feeling lost and alone.
Gonna hide because I have no where to go.
~Sparrow~
4/11/09
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
The pain is seeping through.
The tears are whelming up inside.
Pushing themselves out of my eyes.
Nightmares are starting.
There haunting every night.
All those who have hurt me.
I wake up screaming.
Fighting the demons within me.
Looking for a safe Haven & no where seems to be safe.
I once started to reach out.
Then I stopped.
Went back inside myself.
Back to hiding...... crying......
Feeling lost and alone.
Gonna hide because I have no where to go.
~Sparrow~
4/11/09
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
.......Over Me.......©
On the outside I'm smiling,
But on the inside I'm crying.... screaming...
Wanting someone to save me.
Head always spinning.
Thoughts racing a million miles a minute.
My soul seems to be nonexistent.
I feel like I'm coming undone.
I'm losing my mind.
It's to late.......... I'm suffocating.....
Drowning in all these memories.
The demons within are taking over me.
What the hell is wrong with me?!
Oh my God I'm dying...!!
I feel it taking over me.
It seeps in; in the middle of the night.
Causing the nightmares that haunt me at night.
Screaming... Yelling.... HELP ME!!!
Silence.... No one hears me.
The demons are taking over me.
Seeping black blood runs through my veins.
Creeping into my heart,
Turning it black and cold.
Black is all I see.
I'm coming undone....
Someone save me....
Silence.... No one hears me...
I'm gone never coming back.
There is no home for me.
I'm trapped within my own black hell.
The demons within have taken over me.
The nightmares are coming alive.
I'm going under.
Falling into the depths of hell.
God can't save me now.
There's nothing left of me.
Yelling..... Screaming......
Drowning in all these memories.
Trying to break free,
I can't... Death is taking over me.
Today I died....
Good~Bye......
~Sparrow~
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
But on the inside I'm crying.... screaming...
Wanting someone to save me.
Head always spinning.
Thoughts racing a million miles a minute.
My soul seems to be nonexistent.
I feel like I'm coming undone.
I'm losing my mind.
It's to late.......... I'm suffocating.....
Drowning in all these memories.
The demons within are taking over me.
What the hell is wrong with me?!
Oh my God I'm dying...!!
I feel it taking over me.
It seeps in; in the middle of the night.
Causing the nightmares that haunt me at night.
Screaming... Yelling.... HELP ME!!!
Silence.... No one hears me.
The demons are taking over me.
Seeping black blood runs through my veins.
Creeping into my heart,
Turning it black and cold.
Black is all I see.
I'm coming undone....
Someone save me....
Silence.... No one hears me...
I'm gone never coming back.
There is no home for me.
I'm trapped within my own black hell.
The demons within have taken over me.
The nightmares are coming alive.
I'm going under.
Falling into the depths of hell.
God can't save me now.
There's nothing left of me.
Yelling..... Screaming......
Drowning in all these memories.
Trying to break free,
I can't... Death is taking over me.
Today I died....
Good~Bye......
~Sparrow~
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
~Short Stories~ That really tell 1 story
A Story written a couple years ago. While I was dealing w/my daughter's passing & never sleeping. Started trying to write a story. Came out as a Lost Love Story
~Love is Pain..........
Many thoughts going through my mind. Racing and never coming to a HAULT. Even though I wish they would. I want to scream from the inside out. Tears flow like rivers. Never seeming like there going to stop. I feel this enormous pain in my chest and I just want to rip it out. Never really understanding what causes this pain. So many thoughts. .... So many people I think about at once. Then I concentrate on just one person...... Just one consumes my every thought. In everything I do. I try to think of the future as bleak as it may be. I think maybe one day. We will live together.. free... happy... But then I realize once this person is gone.. Out of my life. I will have to keep treading. Because I know there life will not stop as they leave and move on. There thoughts may not be far from mine or myself far from theres. But still... We will no longer be together. Going our separate ways on two very different roads. I want so much for our roads to come together and stay that way. Instead of always crossing each other for just long enough to cause mounds of pain and heart break. The pain is so unbearable at times. That when in there presence I want to scream and cry. Always fearing that they will see the pain in my eyes. The tears that well up when I have to say good~bye. Never have I once fathomed the love I could feel for one person. How my heart could chose one living being to be the one I love until my last living breath expends from my body. The turmoil I feel when I think that soon.. very soon... I will have to let go of this being. To set them free and turn away. To never look back. And knowing this causes such miserable heart ache in myself. That just the thought of having to do this makes me want to rip out my own soul so it can escape the pain I feel. So it can be free to not have to endure all the chaos that runs so violently through me.
The things that love can do to a person. How high it can take you. To how low... so low that you enter into the depths of hell. Because once without this love in your life. You enter into a hell all on your own. The cringing pain, the violent out burst of tears that burn your face as they flow so uncontrollably from red stricken sleepless eyes. Your heart on fire and pounding so violently that you fear it will pound right out of your chest and stop beating. Then you think how wonderful that would be.... To have the pain stop... To escape the turmoil your in. How gratifying it would be. To just end it all. So you would no longer have to live in constant wretchedness.
As much as I love this being unconditionally and irrevocably. The constant knowledge of knowing soon I will be losing them. Causes such agony that fear overwhelms me at times. I try beyond without much success to pull away from them. To try to tell myself they do not feel the same as I. Or that I do not deserve to be loved by such an amazing being. That they are beyond comparison to me. I am merely a weak individual that does not deserve to be loved so genuinely by this being. That they are beyond measure compared to me. I am not worthy of them or to even be in there presence. I try so hard to convince myself of this. But in the end losing. Losing to the screams of my heart, the agony of my soul. All calling out to this being that my entire body cripples when not in there presence. How can I not love them?? How can I not wait til the end of my dying days to be with them?? When it is my heart and soul that hold on so impenetrable that I can not break free from all the feelings within me. From the day I met them to now... right now... I know I will always love them and only them. That my heart is there's for the taking and I can not fight any longer. I can not hold back and ignore the pain I feel when away from them. I am no longer strong enough to not love them. Because no matter how hard I try to tell myself that they will be leaving me soon and that I will have to let go. I can not just give up the hope that one day I will be with them. It is hope that holds me at a stand still waiting for them. Waiting.... Yearning...... for them to be with me. So no matter how long I have to endure in a stand still in martyrdom. I will. Because no matter how hard I try to fight the way I feel causes just as much suffering as just falling and letting it over come me.
Love is a wretched... wretched thing.......... But for Love I will Endure all the Misery I can take.
~And as She Died....
.....She sat in the corner of the room and drank her sorrows away. Hoping that all memory of him would vanish. Hope soon diminished. His memory came back full swing. Stronger then before. Voices screaming... yelling inside her mind. Wanting the agony to just subside. No matter how much she drank, how long she ran. He was still always there by her side.
Sitting in the dark............ Screaming on the inside....... Crying on the outside. No amount of liquor helped her at all. The music blaring in her ears didn't seem to help. As angry and dark as she started to become. His love held fast. Tighter and tighter to her heart. Never letting go.......... She cringed in pain. cluching to her chest. The agony that ran through her vains, her heart, her memory. In the small dark room she could feel him there. Wanting to scream and tell him to just go away. But knowing deep down inside that; that was the last thing she wanted. She reached out wanting to feel him. Crawling... yearning... as soon as she seemed to grasp his hand ..he vanished...... Her eyes burning red. The pain took over and she fell to the floor crying. So close he was and still never close enough to hold. How could she keep going on day in and day out like this. His love had a stronger hold on her then anything else in this universe. She could not fight what she felt. She held tight to the strength of her soul. But knowing in the end that only he.. her love could save her from this agony killing her. Bringing her to her death. Only Love could save her now.
His love is all she wanted. To be with him. To be safe. To find happiness with him. The love of her life. Her dream come true. But knowing he was gone killed her inside. Every day putting a smile on her face all the while screaming on the inside. Fighting tears as those around her asked..*Are you okay?*.. *Yes*.. She would say. But knowing deep down the answer was always *NO!*. The pain.. the agony.. the heart breaking death grip on her heart was slowly killing all the strength she had. Soon death would become her. No longer a mortal. Soon all of what existed of her. Would soon become immortal. Amongst the living but she would be one of the walking dead. Because his Love is all she lived for anymore. It was he who kept her breathing. With his departure she died. No longer living in this world. Her soul took off and she died.
~The End~
~Days Later..............
So after many days in a haze. She woke up amongst the living. Not believing she was still alive. She looked in the mirror not recognizing herself. "Who is that?" She wondered. Taking her a few mintues to realize it was herself looking back at her. How she had changed. No longer full of life. Nothing but despair was left in her eyes. She saw no life left in herself. So full of life so many days ago and now....... nothing..... Waking up with no feelings, no hope. Like all has been lost. The only thoughts swirling around in her mind were of him. Wondering every possible thing about him. Missing him. Then remembering what happened.
She was lost. He was gone and there was nothing left of her heart and her soul for that matter. She now remembered what happened just a few days ago. She had died. All the pain had encaptured her and combusted. All that was left was this empty body with no soul or heart beating. But her mind still craving everything of him. Like the thirst of a Vampire. Her thirst was of him. He was all she wanted and craved. Without him she was nothing. And now that nothing was starring back at her. Falling to her knees and crying... screaming... Not believing all the pain was still there.
How?
Why?
Nothing was left of her and still she felt agonizing grief for her lost Love. Realizing that must be it. She was doomed to live amongst the living tortured by the malady of his Love... her love for him. With a life not with him. She no longer exsisted. She was now apart of the living dead.
Immortal.
No soul.
No heart beat.
Nothing left but agonizing misery left within her to suffer for all eternity. Without her Love she was.......... nothing........
The End
~Month's Later
Month's after his departure she went through a world wind of pain and grief. So many emotions. Always wanting to try to let go and move on. But as many times as she tried she seemed to never really fully succeed. Always in the back of her mind he was there. Always just a phone call..... a message... away. Month's later and her heart still screams for him. Every day she fights it. She knows they can't be together. That it is over. He left.. he's gone. There's nothing left to hold on to. So many month's of trying to tell herself that things will get better. That they are both better off. And in the end knowing she's lying to herself. All the words she has spoken to him. Letting him go.. telling him to just keep moving on. She knows she'll never take back. She knows he must go on with his life and find happiness. Even if her own words rip through her like a knife. She knows this is best.
She still finds herself waking in the middle of the night crying. Reaching for the phone to call him. Then stopping.... She knows she can not keep reaching out for him. It is not fair to eirther of them. To keep holding on to something that may or may not be there. They know they love each other. It's been an undying love for so many years. That maybe now it has reach its destination and can no longer take all the dispair.
They say love conquor's all. But does it really???
When two people are living two completely differant lives. Can they really hold onto their love for one another??
But what if there love reads out just like an old Renaissance Novel? And that no matter what the couple go through in the end they find each other? And love never dies? They find there love stronger then the day they met. Should they fight??
She doesn't know. She's so confused any more that the pain and heart ache keep telling her that he is better off and as is she. Even though she doesn't feel this is how life should be. Hurting, crying, misery..... Why should she have to feel such turmoil?
Decisions have been made and maybe they should be stuck with. You can't keep going back and forth. It eirther is or isn't. Love is not a game and hearts arn't ment to be crushed on a daily basis. So it is the end of her destination. She loves him... She misses him... But she must let go of him.
Before there really is nothing left of her. She knows that some day the tears will stop. The pain will fade away. She will find happiness again. Even if that happiness only lies within her children's faces. She will take what she can get. Her love for him has taken over. No matter how hard she tries to love another. She'll never once love the same again. She knows her heart is still with him. Her soul soar's near him. Always waiting.... reaching out... never letting go. Her words she may have spoken but her actions scream don't leave. Everyday she's still fighting the urge to reach out.... say I Love You... Why did you have to leave.....?
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
~Love is Pain..........
Many thoughts going through my mind. Racing and never coming to a HAULT. Even though I wish they would. I want to scream from the inside out. Tears flow like rivers. Never seeming like there going to stop. I feel this enormous pain in my chest and I just want to rip it out. Never really understanding what causes this pain. So many thoughts. .... So many people I think about at once. Then I concentrate on just one person...... Just one consumes my every thought. In everything I do. I try to think of the future as bleak as it may be. I think maybe one day. We will live together.. free... happy... But then I realize once this person is gone.. Out of my life. I will have to keep treading. Because I know there life will not stop as they leave and move on. There thoughts may not be far from mine or myself far from theres. But still... We will no longer be together. Going our separate ways on two very different roads. I want so much for our roads to come together and stay that way. Instead of always crossing each other for just long enough to cause mounds of pain and heart break. The pain is so unbearable at times. That when in there presence I want to scream and cry. Always fearing that they will see the pain in my eyes. The tears that well up when I have to say good~bye. Never have I once fathomed the love I could feel for one person. How my heart could chose one living being to be the one I love until my last living breath expends from my body. The turmoil I feel when I think that soon.. very soon... I will have to let go of this being. To set them free and turn away. To never look back. And knowing this causes such miserable heart ache in myself. That just the thought of having to do this makes me want to rip out my own soul so it can escape the pain I feel. So it can be free to not have to endure all the chaos that runs so violently through me.
The things that love can do to a person. How high it can take you. To how low... so low that you enter into the depths of hell. Because once without this love in your life. You enter into a hell all on your own. The cringing pain, the violent out burst of tears that burn your face as they flow so uncontrollably from red stricken sleepless eyes. Your heart on fire and pounding so violently that you fear it will pound right out of your chest and stop beating. Then you think how wonderful that would be.... To have the pain stop... To escape the turmoil your in. How gratifying it would be. To just end it all. So you would no longer have to live in constant wretchedness.
As much as I love this being unconditionally and irrevocably. The constant knowledge of knowing soon I will be losing them. Causes such agony that fear overwhelms me at times. I try beyond without much success to pull away from them. To try to tell myself they do not feel the same as I. Or that I do not deserve to be loved by such an amazing being. That they are beyond comparison to me. I am merely a weak individual that does not deserve to be loved so genuinely by this being. That they are beyond measure compared to me. I am not worthy of them or to even be in there presence. I try so hard to convince myself of this. But in the end losing. Losing to the screams of my heart, the agony of my soul. All calling out to this being that my entire body cripples when not in there presence. How can I not love them?? How can I not wait til the end of my dying days to be with them?? When it is my heart and soul that hold on so impenetrable that I can not break free from all the feelings within me. From the day I met them to now... right now... I know I will always love them and only them. That my heart is there's for the taking and I can not fight any longer. I can not hold back and ignore the pain I feel when away from them. I am no longer strong enough to not love them. Because no matter how hard I try to tell myself that they will be leaving me soon and that I will have to let go. I can not just give up the hope that one day I will be with them. It is hope that holds me at a stand still waiting for them. Waiting.... Yearning...... for them to be with me. So no matter how long I have to endure in a stand still in martyrdom. I will. Because no matter how hard I try to fight the way I feel causes just as much suffering as just falling and letting it over come me.
Love is a wretched... wretched thing.......... But for Love I will Endure all the Misery I can take.
~And as She Died....
.....She sat in the corner of the room and drank her sorrows away. Hoping that all memory of him would vanish. Hope soon diminished. His memory came back full swing. Stronger then before. Voices screaming... yelling inside her mind. Wanting the agony to just subside. No matter how much she drank, how long she ran. He was still always there by her side.
Sitting in the dark............ Screaming on the inside....... Crying on the outside. No amount of liquor helped her at all. The music blaring in her ears didn't seem to help. As angry and dark as she started to become. His love held fast. Tighter and tighter to her heart. Never letting go.......... She cringed in pain. cluching to her chest. The agony that ran through her vains, her heart, her memory. In the small dark room she could feel him there. Wanting to scream and tell him to just go away. But knowing deep down inside that; that was the last thing she wanted. She reached out wanting to feel him. Crawling... yearning... as soon as she seemed to grasp his hand ..he vanished...... Her eyes burning red. The pain took over and she fell to the floor crying. So close he was and still never close enough to hold. How could she keep going on day in and day out like this. His love had a stronger hold on her then anything else in this universe. She could not fight what she felt. She held tight to the strength of her soul. But knowing in the end that only he.. her love could save her from this agony killing her. Bringing her to her death. Only Love could save her now.
His love is all she wanted. To be with him. To be safe. To find happiness with him. The love of her life. Her dream come true. But knowing he was gone killed her inside. Every day putting a smile on her face all the while screaming on the inside. Fighting tears as those around her asked..*Are you okay?*.. *Yes*.. She would say. But knowing deep down the answer was always *NO!*. The pain.. the agony.. the heart breaking death grip on her heart was slowly killing all the strength she had. Soon death would become her. No longer a mortal. Soon all of what existed of her. Would soon become immortal. Amongst the living but she would be one of the walking dead. Because his Love is all she lived for anymore. It was he who kept her breathing. With his departure she died. No longer living in this world. Her soul took off and she died.
~The End~
~Days Later..............
So after many days in a haze. She woke up amongst the living. Not believing she was still alive. She looked in the mirror not recognizing herself. "Who is that?" She wondered. Taking her a few mintues to realize it was herself looking back at her. How she had changed. No longer full of life. Nothing but despair was left in her eyes. She saw no life left in herself. So full of life so many days ago and now....... nothing..... Waking up with no feelings, no hope. Like all has been lost. The only thoughts swirling around in her mind were of him. Wondering every possible thing about him. Missing him. Then remembering what happened.
She was lost. He was gone and there was nothing left of her heart and her soul for that matter. She now remembered what happened just a few days ago. She had died. All the pain had encaptured her and combusted. All that was left was this empty body with no soul or heart beating. But her mind still craving everything of him. Like the thirst of a Vampire. Her thirst was of him. He was all she wanted and craved. Without him she was nothing. And now that nothing was starring back at her. Falling to her knees and crying... screaming... Not believing all the pain was still there.
How?
Why?
Nothing was left of her and still she felt agonizing grief for her lost Love. Realizing that must be it. She was doomed to live amongst the living tortured by the malady of his Love... her love for him. With a life not with him. She no longer exsisted. She was now apart of the living dead.
Immortal.
No soul.
No heart beat.
Nothing left but agonizing misery left within her to suffer for all eternity. Without her Love she was.......... nothing........
The End
~Month's Later
Month's after his departure she went through a world wind of pain and grief. So many emotions. Always wanting to try to let go and move on. But as many times as she tried she seemed to never really fully succeed. Always in the back of her mind he was there. Always just a phone call..... a message... away. Month's later and her heart still screams for him. Every day she fights it. She knows they can't be together. That it is over. He left.. he's gone. There's nothing left to hold on to. So many month's of trying to tell herself that things will get better. That they are both better off. And in the end knowing she's lying to herself. All the words she has spoken to him. Letting him go.. telling him to just keep moving on. She knows she'll never take back. She knows he must go on with his life and find happiness. Even if her own words rip through her like a knife. She knows this is best.
She still finds herself waking in the middle of the night crying. Reaching for the phone to call him. Then stopping.... She knows she can not keep reaching out for him. It is not fair to eirther of them. To keep holding on to something that may or may not be there. They know they love each other. It's been an undying love for so many years. That maybe now it has reach its destination and can no longer take all the dispair.
They say love conquor's all. But does it really???
When two people are living two completely differant lives. Can they really hold onto their love for one another??
But what if there love reads out just like an old Renaissance Novel? And that no matter what the couple go through in the end they find each other? And love never dies? They find there love stronger then the day they met. Should they fight??
She doesn't know. She's so confused any more that the pain and heart ache keep telling her that he is better off and as is she. Even though she doesn't feel this is how life should be. Hurting, crying, misery..... Why should she have to feel such turmoil?
Decisions have been made and maybe they should be stuck with. You can't keep going back and forth. It eirther is or isn't. Love is not a game and hearts arn't ment to be crushed on a daily basis. So it is the end of her destination. She loves him... She misses him... But she must let go of him.
Before there really is nothing left of her. She knows that some day the tears will stop. The pain will fade away. She will find happiness again. Even if that happiness only lies within her children's faces. She will take what she can get. Her love for him has taken over. No matter how hard she tries to love another. She'll never once love the same again. She knows her heart is still with him. Her soul soar's near him. Always waiting.... reaching out... never letting go. Her words she may have spoken but her actions scream don't leave. Everyday she's still fighting the urge to reach out.... say I Love You... Why did you have to leave.....?
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Good-Bye Past
I can't keep living in the past.
The what if's & could of been's.
Once upon a time all was great & so surreal.
Now that's all gone with way to many broken promises along the way.
You say this & that. I say ok.
But in the end I know it's all fake.
Intentions may be good.
Heart ache & heart break is all you leave behind.
Can't take all the lies.
Things happen for a reason.
Paths are changed.
I only hope there's a reason for all this pain.
I know I must be strong & just move on.
But good-bye's are to much to bare.
So instead I run scared.
Can't face the truth.
You hide behind dreams.
Don't you know this is reality?
Not a damn fantasy.
I can't go on it's to much to bare.
So good-bye is in order.
It's time to let go.
You go one way.
I'll go the other.
I wish you well in all your endeavors.
I hope one day you see the truth.
I just wasn't ment for you.
Nor you for me.
There's a reason we've gone our separate ways.
~Sparrow~
7/10/10
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
The what if's & could of been's.
Once upon a time all was great & so surreal.
Now that's all gone with way to many broken promises along the way.
You say this & that. I say ok.
But in the end I know it's all fake.
Intentions may be good.
Heart ache & heart break is all you leave behind.
Can't take all the lies.
Things happen for a reason.
Paths are changed.
I only hope there's a reason for all this pain.
I know I must be strong & just move on.
But good-bye's are to much to bare.
So instead I run scared.
Can't face the truth.
You hide behind dreams.
Don't you know this is reality?
Not a damn fantasy.
I can't go on it's to much to bare.
So good-bye is in order.
It's time to let go.
You go one way.
I'll go the other.
I wish you well in all your endeavors.
I hope one day you see the truth.
I just wasn't ment for you.
Nor you for me.
There's a reason we've gone our separate ways.
~Sparrow~
7/10/10
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
Friday, July 09, 2010
-Me-
I trust to easily; Even though I trust no one at all.
I open up to easily; Even though there are secrets you'll never know.
I love to easily; Even though my heart is in a locked box.
I see things you cannot see; Even though I chose to be blind to thing I don't want to see.
I reach out hoping for someone to listen; Even though there's no one there to hear my pain.
I run through the rain just to feel free; Even though no one can see my sorrows.
I close my eyes at night & dream with an open mind; Even though when I awake there's no hope for them dreams to brighten my day.
Day in; day out I'm another human wondering lost & confused.
Just looking for a way out.
For someone to come along & understand.
I am me.
That's all I can be.
Broken
Lost
Hurt
Confused
Just looking for a place to belong.
~Sparrow~
6/23/10
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
I open up to easily; Even though there are secrets you'll never know.
I love to easily; Even though my heart is in a locked box.
I see things you cannot see; Even though I chose to be blind to thing I don't want to see.
I reach out hoping for someone to listen; Even though there's no one there to hear my pain.
I run through the rain just to feel free; Even though no one can see my sorrows.
I close my eyes at night & dream with an open mind; Even though when I awake there's no hope for them dreams to brighten my day.
Day in; day out I'm another human wondering lost & confused.
Just looking for a way out.
For someone to come along & understand.
I am me.
That's all I can be.
Broken
Lost
Hurt
Confused
Just looking for a place to belong.
~Sparrow~
6/23/10
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
-If-
::An old poem that I found::
If I walked away & said goodbye.
Would you just stand & star or would you stop me fm leaving?
If I realized we were going nowhere & felt we must end.
What would you say?
What’s your thought of our end?
every day that passes is another day farther apart.
We are no longer one soul; one heart.
Back to living separate lives.
Our paths no longer crossing.
Efforts must be made to include one another.
No efforts; no speaking.
Life goes on.
The "us" that once existed has become you & I.
Two separate lives.
No longer intertwined.
My heart no longer beats with yours.
My dreams no longer end with you.
I dream & all I see is you leaving or you've gone away.
What does this mean?
Mind or heart confused on which to follow.
Look to higher beings for answers.
And still left confused & wondering.
So the question still remains.
Should I stay or should I leave?
I guess I'm wanting someone else to answer this for me.
~Sparrow~
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
If I walked away & said goodbye.
Would you just stand & star or would you stop me fm leaving?
If I realized we were going nowhere & felt we must end.
What would you say?
What’s your thought of our end?
every day that passes is another day farther apart.
We are no longer one soul; one heart.
Back to living separate lives.
Our paths no longer crossing.
Efforts must be made to include one another.
No efforts; no speaking.
Life goes on.
The "us" that once existed has become you & I.
Two separate lives.
No longer intertwined.
My heart no longer beats with yours.
My dreams no longer end with you.
I dream & all I see is you leaving or you've gone away.
What does this mean?
Mind or heart confused on which to follow.
Look to higher beings for answers.
And still left confused & wondering.
So the question still remains.
Should I stay or should I leave?
I guess I'm wanting someone else to answer this for me.
~Sparrow~
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
-My Happy Place-
I have a place I go to where it's safe & warm.
I could curl up there & never leave.
The world cannot touch me there.
My happy place I cannot always go to.
But when I can I am at ease.
It's in my man's arms.
That always protects me.
There in his arms I can scream & cry.
Be mad at the world & he never asks why.
He just holds me tight & tells me everything will be alright.
And for the moment I am calm & in my happy place.
The pain fades away.
I am at peace.
As long I am in his arms.
I am as happy as can be.
But when we must part & life be lived.
I miss him until I get to see him once again.
I need to be held & in his arms.
For nothing else calms me like the warmth of his arms.
He's my love, my everything.
My protector from harm.
If I could never lay in his arms again.
My life would fall apart.
He is my happy place,
My protector from the world.
Without him near.
I am nothing but flesh & bones.
He completes me.
He's my other half.
My mind is at ease when he holds me in his lap.
His arms are my happy place.
My shelter from the storm.
Without him I am nothing but flesh & broken bones.
My love, My everything, My other half.
My happy place that no other man can replace.
My Love+His Arms= My Happy Place
~Sparrow~
4/16/2010
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
I could curl up there & never leave.
The world cannot touch me there.
My happy place I cannot always go to.
But when I can I am at ease.
It's in my man's arms.
That always protects me.
There in his arms I can scream & cry.
Be mad at the world & he never asks why.
He just holds me tight & tells me everything will be alright.
And for the moment I am calm & in my happy place.
The pain fades away.
I am at peace.
As long I am in his arms.
I am as happy as can be.
But when we must part & life be lived.
I miss him until I get to see him once again.
I need to be held & in his arms.
For nothing else calms me like the warmth of his arms.
He's my love, my everything.
My protector from harm.
If I could never lay in his arms again.
My life would fall apart.
He is my happy place,
My protector from the world.
Without him near.
I am nothing but flesh & bones.
He completes me.
He's my other half.
My mind is at ease when he holds me in his lap.
His arms are my happy place.
My shelter from the storm.
Without him I am nothing but flesh & broken bones.
My love, My everything, My other half.
My happy place that no other man can replace.
My Love+His Arms= My Happy Place
~Sparrow~
4/16/2010
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
-Judge-
As I stand in front of this mirror.
I wonder what you see.
Cuz all I see is a strong woman starring back at me.
I've been through it all.
From heaven to hell, hell then back.
After everything life has thrown at me.
I just throw it right back.
So as I wonder why you stand there & judge.
Do you really think your all that & god’s gift to earth?
You can call me skinny, ugly, & no good.
Truth is yeah I'm skinny so the fuck what?!
I may be ugly to you but to many more I'm beautiful so ha-ha fuck you!!
And no good.... Well I must say what makes you think you get to say that & judge me in such a way?!?!
From the time I was born I was taught that only God has the right to judge who you are.
So say & think what you will.
But in God's eyes I'm beautiful & exactly the way he made me to be.
Your not the first & I'm sure not the last to say such cruel & hurtful things.
But as the days go by it doesn't matter what you or anyone may say.
You all are only making me stronger every single day.
I am who I am & that will never change.
We are all unique & perfect in our own special way.
You should never stand there and judge.
You may want to stop & look around to see who's judging you.
Say what you want & think what you will.
But I'm gonna keeping living my life.
So hey kiss my ass, fuck you & Bye-Bye.
:) :)
7/9/10
~Sparrow~
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
I wonder what you see.
Cuz all I see is a strong woman starring back at me.
I've been through it all.
From heaven to hell, hell then back.
After everything life has thrown at me.
I just throw it right back.
So as I wonder why you stand there & judge.
Do you really think your all that & god’s gift to earth?
You can call me skinny, ugly, & no good.
Truth is yeah I'm skinny so the fuck what?!
I may be ugly to you but to many more I'm beautiful so ha-ha fuck you!!
And no good.... Well I must say what makes you think you get to say that & judge me in such a way?!?!
From the time I was born I was taught that only God has the right to judge who you are.
So say & think what you will.
But in God's eyes I'm beautiful & exactly the way he made me to be.
Your not the first & I'm sure not the last to say such cruel & hurtful things.
But as the days go by it doesn't matter what you or anyone may say.
You all are only making me stronger every single day.
I am who I am & that will never change.
We are all unique & perfect in our own special way.
You should never stand there and judge.
You may want to stop & look around to see who's judging you.
Say what you want & think what you will.
But I'm gonna keeping living my life.
So hey kiss my ass, fuck you & Bye-Bye.
:) :)
7/9/10
~Sparrow~
All poetry and lyrics written and owned by Kelli Irene "Sparrow" Ramirez-Snowhawk and federally protected under the United States Copyright Act © 1998-2010
Can't sleep....
Well I did start tonight out actually going to bed. But my daughter decided other wise for me. I was going to start blogging earlier cuz I've decide I'm just gonna put myself out there. Just start writing what's on my mind, post poems that no one knows about, & just write about my days, thoughts, & feelings. People judge you regardless of what you do. So fuck it. I'm just going to fully put myself out there. I pretty much do already when it comes to certain people. But here to the world I'm just gonna let myself free. Freedom is what I need. Somewhere were I can just let it all out. Like my friend Riss said "People are going to think what they want of you & you can't change there minds or do anything about it. They have there opinions so hey what ever:)" I agree.
Names will be changed to protect the identities of people in my life & only the people closes to me will probably know who I am talking about.
Well right now I'm not feeling so hot. Took an Aleve -D & I think it went down wrong because now I'm having sever chest & upper back pain. I don't know. The pain subsided some when I was rocking & singing my daughter to sleep. But it keeps hurting. But almost every night this week I have had chest pain & pressure on my chest. I've been sick for months. Basically since two months after having my daughter. It started out just allot of stomach pain & getting sick every couple days. Made it very hard to eat & keep food in my system. By the time I went to the doctor the stomach pains stopped & stayed at bay for about three weeks then they came back. And now I have more then stomach pain & getting sick. When I eat my stomach actually caves in while I'm eating, I get dizzy, lightheadedness, blurred vision, rapid weight lose, chest pains &/or pressure on my chest, & of course insomnia. I haven't gone to see the doctor about this & really haven't talked to anyone about it. I finally wrote down all my symptoms today. I did try to talk to Tacoma today about it. But he wasn't listening to me. To busy looking at things on his phone on eBay. So I didn't say anything else. It's aggravating because he wants me to go to the doctors. Well I need someone to talk to about what's going on. I'm not the type of person to hurry up & call the doc 1st sign of sickness. I'm more the type to self treat & when things are beyond bad then I call the doc. So since no one wants to at least talk to me about things & maybe help me try to figure out what is wrong. Then I'm not gonna rush to call the doc. Maybe when I start bleeding out of place where I shouldn't be. Then maybe I'll call the doc. But until then..... I'm just going to keep living like I am.
I did try & Google all my symptoms & basically all I seemed to come up with was gallbladder, kidney, or possibly being poisoned. Well the poisoning can't happen without making my whole family sick. I make all the food & everything else I snack on & drink is prepackaged. So it can't be that. But the other two. Well they could be options. But who knows. I'm just going to wait and see. I hate going to the doctors. And even worse I hate the bill afterwards. The way things are now the bill may be incredibly outrageous. And I have INS but nope nope; no thanks. I'm good enough with the bills I have.
So okay that was pretty much part of my day. The rest was taking care of my kids, going to the store, cooking, & some cleaning. For the past two & a-half years I have been a stay at home mom. I am no basic stay at home mother either. I love rock, black, dark and incredibly strange, outrageous, scary, damn near dark death Art. I love writing, reading, & photography. I'm crazy, unique, & I raise my children nontraditionally. No we don't go to church. But I do raise them catholic & about God. But once they are a certain age & decide they want to know about other religions or have another one. Then I am completely open to it. As I like to say "I believe in all paths to God." if there even is one. I've been to hell and back literally in my short life. Some day when I am ready I may tell all. But I can say this much... I am a rape survivor, miscarriage survivor(I've had 10), lost a daughter to SIDS(she was only 4mos old), I've been Physically, emotionally, mentally, & sexually abused. And after all this HELL I am still here & standing. The best song or well songs that I can relate to are I'm Still Standing by:Monica & Walking Away by:Craig David. I am a fighter. For many; many years I let people hurt me. More so men but also family & people that I thought were my friends but in the end found out they were not. But still I get up, stand tall, & keep walking. Because this is all I can do besides just to give up & lay down & die. But that is not in my nature. So I keep trudging & hoping to find peace & understanding in this cruel, unusual world we live in.
So here I have started to explain who I am & some of what I have been though. Eventually in the end you may actually begin to understand me a little. But we'll see. I really don't think anyone fully understands someone or even fully knows them. But we as a human race come close.
Well it's after 1am & I think I've said enough for now. So good night or morning:) We will communicate again soon:)
~Sparrow~
Names will be changed to protect the identities of people in my life & only the people closes to me will probably know who I am talking about.
Well right now I'm not feeling so hot. Took an Aleve -D & I think it went down wrong because now I'm having sever chest & upper back pain. I don't know. The pain subsided some when I was rocking & singing my daughter to sleep. But it keeps hurting. But almost every night this week I have had chest pain & pressure on my chest. I've been sick for months. Basically since two months after having my daughter. It started out just allot of stomach pain & getting sick every couple days. Made it very hard to eat & keep food in my system. By the time I went to the doctor the stomach pains stopped & stayed at bay for about three weeks then they came back. And now I have more then stomach pain & getting sick. When I eat my stomach actually caves in while I'm eating, I get dizzy, lightheadedness, blurred vision, rapid weight lose, chest pains &/or pressure on my chest, & of course insomnia. I haven't gone to see the doctor about this & really haven't talked to anyone about it. I finally wrote down all my symptoms today. I did try to talk to Tacoma today about it. But he wasn't listening to me. To busy looking at things on his phone on eBay. So I didn't say anything else. It's aggravating because he wants me to go to the doctors. Well I need someone to talk to about what's going on. I'm not the type of person to hurry up & call the doc 1st sign of sickness. I'm more the type to self treat & when things are beyond bad then I call the doc. So since no one wants to at least talk to me about things & maybe help me try to figure out what is wrong. Then I'm not gonna rush to call the doc. Maybe when I start bleeding out of place where I shouldn't be. Then maybe I'll call the doc. But until then..... I'm just going to keep living like I am.
I did try & Google all my symptoms & basically all I seemed to come up with was gallbladder, kidney, or possibly being poisoned. Well the poisoning can't happen without making my whole family sick. I make all the food & everything else I snack on & drink is prepackaged. So it can't be that. But the other two. Well they could be options. But who knows. I'm just going to wait and see. I hate going to the doctors. And even worse I hate the bill afterwards. The way things are now the bill may be incredibly outrageous. And I have INS but nope nope; no thanks. I'm good enough with the bills I have.
So okay that was pretty much part of my day. The rest was taking care of my kids, going to the store, cooking, & some cleaning. For the past two & a-half years I have been a stay at home mom. I am no basic stay at home mother either. I love rock, black, dark and incredibly strange, outrageous, scary, damn near dark death Art. I love writing, reading, & photography. I'm crazy, unique, & I raise my children nontraditionally. No we don't go to church. But I do raise them catholic & about God. But once they are a certain age & decide they want to know about other religions or have another one. Then I am completely open to it. As I like to say "I believe in all paths to God." if there even is one. I've been to hell and back literally in my short life. Some day when I am ready I may tell all. But I can say this much... I am a rape survivor, miscarriage survivor(I've had 10), lost a daughter to SIDS(she was only 4mos old), I've been Physically, emotionally, mentally, & sexually abused. And after all this HELL I am still here & standing. The best song or well songs that I can relate to are I'm Still Standing by:Monica & Walking Away by:Craig David. I am a fighter. For many; many years I let people hurt me. More so men but also family & people that I thought were my friends but in the end found out they were not. But still I get up, stand tall, & keep walking. Because this is all I can do besides just to give up & lay down & die. But that is not in my nature. So I keep trudging & hoping to find peace & understanding in this cruel, unusual world we live in.
So here I have started to explain who I am & some of what I have been though. Eventually in the end you may actually begin to understand me a little. But we'll see. I really don't think anyone fully understands someone or even fully knows them. But we as a human race come close.
Well it's after 1am & I think I've said enough for now. So good night or morning:) We will communicate again soon:)
~Sparrow~
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
I Love Pugs. Beautiful, Adorable Animals
"You know I'm so cute"
"Gota luv snow:)"
LOL so freakin cute
"Wat U say... Huuuhh"
Aaawwwwww
Hehee lol
"I see you"
So freakin cute. Love the bow
I can't wait to get a pug in a couple yrs:) My 30th B-Day whoop whoop:)
"Gota luv snow:)"
LOL so freakin cute
"Wat U say... Huuuhh"
Aaawwwwww
Hehee lol
"I see you"
So freakin cute. Love the bow
I can't wait to get a pug in a couple yrs:) My 30th B-Day whoop whoop:)
For the Love of Squirrels
"Wat U want?! Back it Up!"
Aaaahhhhhh lol
"No U can't have my nut."
"Mine Mine Mine"
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Up Late.....
Well after midnight is late for me. Usually I'm asleep but my mind is running a million miles a min. Just random things to.
Thoughts about my day, past, week, future. Wanting to get out of Topeka some day. Can only hope & pray that we find a way to move. We just want out. Away from the ignorance & stupidity & the people who just don't care. We want to start over & just live our lives. All I want if for my children to be happy & to know the family members that matter.
I'm defiantly not one to say family is family & you just have to except them even if there idiots & don't care about you. I say family is who LOVES You & treats You like family. They are there regardless of good or bad, they care, & they include you in there lives. I've defiantly learned the hard way of who really loves me & my lil family & those who don't. They just want to start drama & see us fall. All I do is laugh in there faces & keep standing tall. Cuz I will never fall down. If you see me on my knees I'm only praying that the Lord have mercy on there souls.
We're not missing out on certain peoples lives. They are missing out on ours. Life is hard enough. You don't need enemies when you have them within your own family. So sad but true.
Well I know things will get better & will be fine. Just gotta keep trying & fighting for better days to come.
~Sparrow~
Thoughts about my day, past, week, future. Wanting to get out of Topeka some day. Can only hope & pray that we find a way to move. We just want out. Away from the ignorance & stupidity & the people who just don't care. We want to start over & just live our lives. All I want if for my children to be happy & to know the family members that matter.
I'm defiantly not one to say family is family & you just have to except them even if there idiots & don't care about you. I say family is who LOVES You & treats You like family. They are there regardless of good or bad, they care, & they include you in there lives. I've defiantly learned the hard way of who really loves me & my lil family & those who don't. They just want to start drama & see us fall. All I do is laugh in there faces & keep standing tall. Cuz I will never fall down. If you see me on my knees I'm only praying that the Lord have mercy on there souls.
We're not missing out on certain peoples lives. They are missing out on ours. Life is hard enough. You don't need enemies when you have them within your own family. So sad but true.
Well I know things will get better & will be fine. Just gotta keep trying & fighting for better days to come.
~Sparrow~
Friday, July 02, 2010
Starting.....
....To realize I really need to be doing more w/my life. But on the other hand my children are my life. My day completely revolves around them. So yet again. My life is there's. Well damn that really makes for a sounding of a boring life.
Day usually starts out me getting up feeding Bella, waiting for Zane to get up, feed him. Usually make him get dressed and then I try to go outside. Most the time we just sit out there & enjoy the weather. But w/the 4Th being Sunday Zane has taken it upon himself to start the day blowing things up. That's my son who sum day hopes to be on the SWAT team or a Marine. I think he's just really into the guns. Hey he's 7 & 1/2 and has a Vietnam Vet for a grandpa so of course the Military is his thing. But most important is his education. I've already informed him that no school no life & your ass ends up on the streets. So I ask him if this is where he wants to live & his answer is always no. Then my son you must go to school & Read.. Read.. Read.. For no one in this world will do anything for you. You must achieve thing yourself. So we'll see how things go through out the years. I only hope he keeps on enjoying school & keeps dreaming big so he can go out & live his life the way he wants.
Hummm so my thoughts escape me once again. Blaahhh Okay well it's Friday & that I am glad. But it's also BILL PAYING DAY boooo gota love them damn bills. They love us sooooo much..lol Always on time, never late. Damn them bills u'd think they'd take a break..lol Okay well I've been up FOREVER & should see if I can get at least an hr of sleep B4 my lil ones rise. So good day to you all. & Welcome to my boring Life..lol
~Sparrow~
Day usually starts out me getting up feeding Bella, waiting for Zane to get up, feed him. Usually make him get dressed and then I try to go outside. Most the time we just sit out there & enjoy the weather. But w/the 4Th being Sunday Zane has taken it upon himself to start the day blowing things up. That's my son who sum day hopes to be on the SWAT team or a Marine. I think he's just really into the guns. Hey he's 7 & 1/2 and has a Vietnam Vet for a grandpa so of course the Military is his thing. But most important is his education. I've already informed him that no school no life & your ass ends up on the streets. So I ask him if this is where he wants to live & his answer is always no. Then my son you must go to school & Read.. Read.. Read.. For no one in this world will do anything for you. You must achieve thing yourself. So we'll see how things go through out the years. I only hope he keeps on enjoying school & keeps dreaming big so he can go out & live his life the way he wants.
Hummm so my thoughts escape me once again. Blaahhh Okay well it's Friday & that I am glad. But it's also BILL PAYING DAY boooo gota love them damn bills. They love us sooooo much..lol Always on time, never late. Damn them bills u'd think they'd take a break..lol Okay well I've been up FOREVER & should see if I can get at least an hr of sleep B4 my lil ones rise. So good day to you all. & Welcome to my boring Life..lol
~Sparrow~
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