Names changed to protect privacy.... I thought this was a very good insight into someone that I didn't even realize I had. Crazy how u know someone and yet they still don't know you :(
Module 4 Stress Journal 2
3/13/2012
The joys of life and trying to understand men; which I’ve come to realize you will never really understand anyone no matter how long you have known them you still don’t really know them. I think I have finally reached a point to where if "MMA" decides that he no longer wants to peruse a relationship with me I will actually be just fine with it. Before I would have broke down and cried and felt like it was the end of the world. Now I realize it isn’t and maybe I am not meant to be with him even though I do truly love him. He’s just not in a place where he can really love someone the way they should and need to be loved. I’ve done everything he has asked of me and yet I still get shit on because it’s either not enough or too much. I’ve come to realize he’s always going to push people away. It’s his defense mechanism so he doesn’t get hurt. Well all the while he’s trying to not get “hurt” he’s hurting the person he is with. I really don’t think he sees what he is doing and if he does then he must not care. I honestly can’t keep fighting him to prove my love and how much I want to be with him. You love someone whole heartily and without limitations. I understand why he does what he does. But after 14 years of knowing me and even now knowing what he does about me and how I feel about him he should know that my intentions are only good. But of course it seems he doesn’t see this and yet I am another enemy trying to cross sum barrier he has put up.
Yes I want to break that damn wall down. I want him to feel the love he deserves to feel but he fights it so much that I don’t think he will ever feel the love I have for him. I had told him that if he does decide to break up with me then that would be it. I would be gone and he would no longer be able to contact me ever again. I meant what I said. I can’t keep going back and forth with him and I can’t have him just popping back into my life because he misses me and possibly ruining a relationship I may have started with someone else. It isn’t fair to me or that other person. "MMA" can’t have his cake and eat it to; to put it lightly. He makes a decision and he’s just going to have to live with it. I am not perfect by any means but I do love him with everything I am and as crazy as that may seem it; is true. In my eyes I think he is one of the most amazing men I know or have known. He has lived through so much and conquered more in his lifetime then most human beings have and yet he is still standing. I admire him; love him for his strength and mainly I just love him for him. His personalities (yes personalities cuz if you knew him u would know he is different around certain people), his sense of humor, even his attitude and anger. I know how crazy that sounds but to know "MMA" is to know every part of him. Then you may possible begin to kind of understand him. He is a good man with a very caring heart but is so beyond scared to love that he sabotages it before it can even really begin.
Well this is my stress of the day. Fighting to be with someone who is fighting so hard to push me away, I can’t and I won’t keep fighting to be with him if he truly doesn’t want to be with me. I deserve to be loved full heartily and without restrictions. Maybe he’ll realize things and maybe he won’t. You can’t predict the future you can only hope for the best outcome possible.
~Sparrow~
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